Drunk Lobster

Drunk Lobster is pettamapossum's accidental third mascot. It all began as a silly joke. Now look at the poor stupid thing. Drunk Lobster is an attorney, and the punching bag of the entire Mascot Community. Every good holiday special ended with Drunk Lobster getting T-P'ed, crushed by a tree, or drowned in coal.

Summary
Real Name: Offspring # 23,719.

He's a failure, and a stooge. He is a walking anti-alcohol poster. And he smells terrible.

For some reason, he's also an Attorney. One time he got even more drunk than usual, and everything after that was a blur. When he came to, he had discovered that he had apparently gone to law school and passed with flying colors, now being an Attorney. Don't you hate when that happens?

Personality
Aggravatingly enough, he's not a talker, just like Stauroteuthis. He typically just hiccups, burps, and vomits. Only on rare occasions can he get a word in, let alone a sentence. Nevertheless, everyone seems to understand what he is saying just by listening to all his gastrointestinal movements and spasms.

He can down any amount of alchohol with no consequence. He is always drunk, even when sober... if that makes any sense. Actually, saying '"It's impossible for Drunk Lobster to be sober" would be more accurate. More on that weirdness in the 'Story' section.

The poor Crustacean is nothing short of pathetic in every way. Or is he? Drunk Lobster is as good an attorney as Phionex Wright (The room even shakes when he belches out an objection), and somehow... a level 10 Space Captain.

Run That By Me Again... Space Captain?!
Wow... just... wow. Not sure how that happened. He has claws that can take off any enemy's head, very powerful armor, and... stealth. Yeah, I said it. Sure, he stumbles and trips, but he has a corrective armor suit that prevents this. His mask silences his hiccups and burps, although the puke is a bit of a problem. Now, before you go and think of him as a real hero, please note that he crashes his ship every time he lands or even travels anywhere, he's failed a good share of missions, and he can't figure out any puzzle that exceeds the brainpower to play a 'Clark & Stanley' mission. He sucks. No one knows why the Intergalactic Space Academy accepted him... your tax dollars at work, eh? At least they didn't give him a gun to shoot... of course, he can summon plankton swarms to attack. He's misused that ability plenty of times.

Backstory
Name: Offspring # 23,719, aka Drunk Lobster Name Origin: Lobsters would sooner eat each other than name another. He's just an alcoholic lobster, deal with it. Species: California Rock Lobster Height: 2' 7'' Relatives: A very disappointed mother and father, plus thousands of successful business lobster siblings. Biography: When galactic portals brought in lobsters from other galaxies, Drunk Lobster had not yet been born, like many other mascotians. Mascotian Lobster settlers varied very little from their original Earthling descendants. Lobsters were simply lobsters. But nothing stays normal for too long in this absurd dimension, and the lobster stock slowly evolved more neotenous and cartoonish appearances.''

''One of thousands and thousands of eggs laid in Pelagia region, Drunk Lobster hatched as a larva and went about normal lobster things growing up. He became a good size, and mindlessly went about his bottomfeeding, carefree. But one day, a dimension skipping Anglorian Empire ship caught some lobster to cook up while sneaking moonshine past the Chionian belt of galaxy p05m. They had only caught one. This one. This sturdy crustacean could actually survive the boiling process for a small amount of time. Enough to change color from a proud brown color to cooked red. Soon, a pursuing Shrumpy Empire ship blew the Anglorian Empire ship to shrapnel, leaving only one survivor. And the lobster. The survivor fell on a rock after a lengthy fall and died instantly, chipping his only good tusk. As Lobster plummeted, he luckily belly flopped on to a brackish pond, uninhabited.''

''Obviously it was painful, but he didn't give a care. Something about this region in particular sped up Lobster's evolution into a "mascot". The fact that the ship's entire load of moonshine fell and polluted the entire pond didn't help. Hell knows how he survived that much alcohol, but he did. And then he became an addict. After losing two pairs of legs during the fall, he began to walk upright on four. His claws shriveled up and his eyes bugged out. The alcohol fused with his DNA and screwed up his already vacant brain. He eventually needed the stuff to live. He's so pathetic, he'll even nick a bottle of mouthwash if you don't keep a good eye on him. Truth be told, he is a mutant with amazing powers. He would maybe even be a superhero or supervillain if his power didn't suck so much. Even without alcohol, his very cells cause his drunkenness. This hopeless moron is always hiccuping and barfing. He eventually built a shanty of a house in a pond that had been carved by a lungfish and benthic octopus. Through many absurd adventures, he has become Spot's attorney and redneck neighbor. If he's done one thing right, it's this: No other Mascot dares get near a fermented beverage, for they fear they will end up as big a chump as Drunk Lobster. Nobody except Tadpole, anyhow. And frankly, he isn't the most mentally stable.''

Relationships
Family: Friends (Kind of): Those Who Can't Stand Him:
 * Too much to count. They all live in Pelagia.
 * Spot
 * Stauroteuthis
 * Frog
 * Benthy
 * Bartenders all over Mascotia, with the exception of Luscivia
 * Tadpole (As a drinking buddy)

(It's a VERY long list, here are just a few.) Those Who Want to Eat Him:
 * Most of his family.
 * Gillz
 * Spedge
 * Rust E
 * Bobby
 * Pippy
 * Streamline
 * Auky
 * Khameleon
 * Corky
 * Brichasouras
 * Loffica
 * Budgey
 * Carl
 * Lectro
 * Gomez
 * Kix
 * Ceaphus
 * Naudi
 * Ehh... you get the point.
 * Blackdevil
 * Bender
 * Red Lantern
 * Dian

Trivia

 * Drunk Lobster can hiccup in twenty-two different languages.
 * He may be the worst racer ever to enter EzrieKart. His only hope of winning was stupidly crashing into every other kart in the entire race, and making it a tie. He came pretty close to that in the cavern race.
 * He doesn't throw away his old bottles of booze, OR recycle. He gets beaten up for this a lot. Ha ha.
 * Since he is actually cooked, he probably tastes delicious.
 * He hoards paperclips. Why? No one knows.
 * He lives in a Lobster-Trap shaped home. Weirdo.
 * Drunk Lobster loves Mambo music. But he plays it really slow, which just sounds like crap to everyone else.
 * His briefcase is full of Red Lobster menus. Wut?
 * He claims to have met the Loch Ness monster.
 * He is left-clawed, though to be honest, he's not very dexterous with either.
 * In PitchBlackPheonix's artwork of Drunk Lobster, his hat is modeled after Ellis' hat from Left 4 Dead 2, as shown here: